Warrior’s Breath

Hello, dear Bloggers and WordPress lovers! You know, I’ve mentioned before that I have ms – multiple sclerosis – so why does the urge to write come late at night, just when I’m ready to sleep? Sleep, sleep, beautiful sleep… Ah, well, I know why it comes. Because it’s been waiting to come, waiting while I watch tv, have “cereal time!” with Sadie, my dog who learned to beg for it once she figured out the timing- she’s a smart one, and fat, too! (Sorry, animal purists, I try not to give her too much…co-dependency and all that…) Anyway, being in therapy as I am and glad of it, too, I’ve learned to pay attention to my feelings. It’s hard to NOT pay attention when they grab you from  inside of your chest and a rolling train of ugly thoughts crashes through your mind. That’s what happened after I watched Powwow Highway; everything gets quiet, then the inner action begins and the BEST thing for me to do is write a poem. Even if I have no idea what the feelings are about, just start writing and all will be revealed. By the way, even though Powwow Highway is a Native American story, the term “warrior” is the same in any culture, any religion, time or season… It is the Spiritual Warrior of which I write, the one in me that I Am.

Warrior’s Breath

I wish I’d known how to do this
when she was born
I bore those pains
like a cat that’s been too long in the wild
I screamed a primal fear – not
a cowering fear – no,
a fear that makes one dangerous
a primal fear
a deep angry fear but a fear,
nonetheless,
and that’s what’s done the most damage.

I wish I’d known it’s alright to feel, sure
it’s alright to fear
until you decide you can’t stand it anymore
can’t stand to be controlled
from the inside
like a puppet – no wonder we all feel so isolated
so unworthy so unreal – I can’t
seem to cure it send it out to be transformed
into something worth
believing in
I wish I’d known it’s alright to feel sure

I watched you wrap yourself around my heart
tonight – reeled me in just when I wanted
to relax
to ignore the fact that you are not one to be
ignored.
And I felt your grip, the one that always comes
tight! in the heart chakra
tight! in the chest, closing off my breath
and I sat with you this time
you climbed into my mind
oh yeah,

roiling and coiling
one urgent story
after another not pretty ones either
and after a while I start to think
I might get a revelation
or I might start believing you
and that’s not good
but just like that birth
that moment cannot stay; nothing ever does
and so – this time – I sat while it all
walked through me, waiting…

and then, I pushed back
I breathed, man, I breathed hard…
I pushed my ribs out and breathed
a warrior’s breath
release! my breathing was easy
release! my chest was relaxed

and the Beloved’s gateway opened
to the truest Love I’ve ever known
and multitudes of thought left sweet silence
in their wake
just like that baby so beautiful fear couldn’t stay.

Everyone thinks it’s impossible until it happens to them.

Lady Diane Randall

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